"Love That Lasts" is based off the teachings of Rev. Adam Hamilton and his work "Love to Stay." This sermon uses his teachings as a framework, working my own stories into the mix. I'm grateful for Rev. Hamilton's work and hope you are as blessed as I am with this series.
Habits That Hurt, Habits That Heal May
13/14, 2016
Scripture: Ephesians 4: 29-32, 1 Thess. 4: 1-7
There’s a story I once read about
a wife who desperately tried to get her husband to fix the broken lawn mower,
but every time she asked, he always had something more important to do. Whether
it was making his next tee time or working on his sports car, he never seemed
to get around to fixing the mower. Finally, the wife had enough. When her
husband got home from work the next day, he found her slowly cutting each blade
of grass with a small pair of scissors. After watching silently for a few
moments, he ran into the house and grabbed a toothbrush. Handing it to his
wife, he said, “After you’re done mowing the lawn, you might as well sweep off
the driveway.” He thinks, after the surgeon is done, that he’ll one day walk
again.
We’re in the midst of a sermon
series on marriage and relationships called “A Love That Lasts.” And we’ve been
learning that relationships are one of God’s greatest gifts to us. We’ve been
created to live in community, to bless, build up and encourage. When these
elements are present, relationships are strong and healthy. Making a commitment
to blessing the other can go along way to building a love that lasts. Yet even
the strongest of relationships have their challenges. Conflicts, disagreements
and differences of opinion are normal. They’ll happen. Most of these are small,
like forgetting to put the toilet seat down or leaving the car on “E.” And healthy
relationships find a way to laugh and work through their conflicts so that
small things don’t grow into big problems. Every relationship has small
problems. That’s normal. But occasionally there are bigger issues and conflicts
that can lead to broken hearts and broken lives. This is where we’re going to
spend our time today.
I don’t think anyone ever enters a
relationship intending to hurt another person, but sometimes we cause each
other pain with our decisions and actions. In our survey, you listed a number
of items that cause conflict in your relationships, ranging from communication
and money to not fulfilling household responsibilities and battling addictions.
Those are very real threats to the health of relationships, and if you sense
that these are beginning to drive a wedge between you and your spouse, it’s
best to act now and seek help. But today I want to highlight two very serious
issues. Several of our respondents indicated they’ve lived through failed
marriages and they listed two primary reasons for their divorces that are
consistent with statistics across our country: abuse and adultery. We’re going
to learn about these threats and offer ways to either avoid them or work
through them.
According to the National Coalition
Against Domestic Violence, 20 people experience physically abuse by intimate
partners every minute. This equates to more than 10 million men and women each
year. On average, 1 in 3 women and 1 and 4 men have been abused in their
lifetimes.[1]
This is a sobering trend. When I think of the meaning and mission God has for
our relationships, to bless, lift up and encourage, it’s easy to see that
something has gone terribly wrong. These stats are the opposite of building and
lifting up. And it doesn’t stop with physical violence. The Alice Paul House,
which promotes awareness of domestic violence in Indiana County, suggests that
abuse also comes in emotional, mental and sexual forms, such as name-calling,
withholding money and keeping partners from seeing friends and family.[2]
Abuse comes in many shapes and forms and destroys lives, personal dignity and
relationships. And it isn’t right.
When you look at your
relationship, do you bless, lift up and encourage? Are you doing these things?
Because that’s what God intends from you. Or do you belittle and demean,
criticize and put down? The apostle Paul, who in understanding our ability to
harm others, describes for us in Ephesians God’s intentions for holy living: Do not let any evil talk come out of your
mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their
needs, that it may benefit those who listen…Get rid of all bitterness, rage and
anger…along with every form of malice. And be kind and compassionate to one
another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. As Paul
suggests, evil talk and action come out of our mouths and hands, but they don’t
begin there. They begin in the heart. Often these actions point to something
that’s going on inside of us. Abuse rarely begins with physical violence. It’s
usually a reaction to things left unchecked, like small problems that were
never properly handled and became large problems. There is no excuse for abuse,
but there might be ways you can begin to understand why you do the things you
do. If you are willing to say, “There’s something wrong” and “I want to
change,” then there are ways to make that happen. But you have to be willing to
reach out for help. It might not repair the relationship, but it might calm the
personal storms within you.
If you are in an abusive
relationship, I want you to know that God weeps with you. Sometimes we do a
grave injustice when saying things like, “God hates divorce.” Even though it
pains God when relationships end, the thing God hates even more is witnessing
his children hurt and harmed. If you feel your mental, emotional and physical
wellbeing are in jeopardy, please don’t pretend it’s not happening or try to
sweep it under the rug. I would encourage you to reach out and talk with one of
your pastors or one of our Christian Counseling Associates. We are here to help
you and get you healthy again.
Some of you responded that abuse
led to the destruction of your marriage, but the number one reason you indicated
your marriage failed was adultery. And this is no surprise. Infidelity is the leading
cause of divorce in America today, and it’s an age-old human problem. There’s a
reason it made God’s list of the ten important commandments: Thou shalt not commit adultery. Again, I
don’t think we take our marriage vows expecting to renege on them. When we
stand at the altar and proclaim Yes! to
the question, Will you forsake all
others? we usually mean it! We fully believe that we will honor our
commitment to saying “no” to others for the rest of our lives. So if that’s the
case, how does adultery happen?
First off, let’s get something
straight. Attraction is not the problem. That’s human. It’s normal to notice
the positive characteristics in another person. People have good, attractive
qualities about them, and the only way we could avoid these is to walk around
with our eyes closed all the time. Being attracted to others, even making
connections with others, is simply a fact of life. The problem begins when we
allow those attractions to occupy more and more of our thoughts. And the more
we think about something, the more likely we are to act. And when you couple
wandering thoughts with unmet needs, temptation becomes a reality.
During one of my first years of
ministry, I had a knock on my door. For the next hour, I listened to a man sob
and confide in me that he had cheated on his wife. He felt horrible. He hadn’t
meant for it to happen, but he made an emotional connection with a co-worker, a
connection that he had seemingly lost with his wife. That should’ve been a red
flag. He spent more time at the office than he did at home, and his
conversations at work seemed to be deeper than the ones at home. Soon, one thing led to another: A listening
ear became a hug, a hug turned into an embrace, and embrace led to sex. And now
this man was asking me how he could save his marriage. He pledged to do
anything. When adultery occurs, I believe healing can happen, but not without
the hard work forgiveness and years of building back broken trust. The only
surefire way to prevent adultery is to create the type of relationship where
affairs are undesirable.
One great place to start is
worship. Before I agree to do perform a wedding ceremony, I ask my pre-marital
couples to commit to worship together on a weekly basis. This is an important
habit that draws us together, but even more importantly, worship gives Jesus space
to fill the deepest yearnings of our soul. No spouse or partner will ever truly
fulfill our deepest needs. Only Christ can do that. Only Jesus can feed our
deep spiritual needs, remind us who we are and give us strength to overcome
weaknesses and moments of vulnerability. We need Jesus to be at the center of
our lives and relationships, which is why weekly worship is so important.
In addition to worship there are
other strategies you can use to protect your relationship against infidelity.
One such strategy are the “5 R’s,” offered by fellow UMC pastor Adam Hamilton.
Whenever you have those lingering thoughts of someone other than your spouse,
here are 5 things you can do:
First, Remember who you are. Your
identity is not in a momentary feeling. You are a child of God, a disciple of
Jesus Christ, a husband or wife and a mom or dad. Is what you are feeling or
about to do consistent with you who are?
Second, Recognize the consequences.
Have you really taken the time to think through the repercussions? What will
you be feeling, thinking and regretting ten minutes from now?
Thirdly, Rededicate yourself to God.
Remember what Jesus did when tempted in the desert? He relied on God’s
strength. Take time to pray, to read Scripture and ask God for grace and
strength.
Fourth, Reveal
your struggles to a trusted friend. It’s harder to act when we know a
trusted friend will hold us accountable. Find someone you can tell.
Fifth, Remove
yourself from the temptation. If your marriage or relationship is
important to you, then you might need to make some pretty drastic choices and
changes. Creating distance between you and the temptation is vital, even if it
means cutting off a friendship, leaving a job or moving. These might seem like
extreme measures, but these things might happen any way if you continue down a
road of infidelity.[3]
I realize that we’ve covered some
tough topics today, but the gift of relationship must be nurtured and
protected. As challenging as relationships can be, it is possible to establish
lasting love. And it’s possible to move beyond habits that hurt and create new
habits that heal. Our world is filled with stories of people who were done and
couldn’t’ take it any more, but by God’s grace, the rips in their lives were
mended and made new. How does this happen? It happens by reaching out and
asking God for help! God is in the business of making all things new and he’s
been there. He knows our temptations and our struggles, our weaknesses and our challenges.
And he is willing to forgive, give us grace to heal, and offer us a chance at a
new beginning. Maybe today is a new beginning for you. Wherever you find
yourself on your relational journey, God can give you a new beginning today. Amen.
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